honestly

Define all of me.

That’s our song, isn’t it?

What is all of me? What counts? What doesn’t? What isn’t good enough?

I just want to know so you don’t have to tell me the same problem over and over again but tell me not to change anything. I need to change something, because it sounds like this is all my fault again. 

Again.

Again. 

Apr 14

Fucking up, I mean.

We’ve both fucked up multiple times and now what? I’m stressed out, you’re stressed out and neither of us ever know what’s going on. 

What are we doing?

I never understand you and you always misinterpret me. Will we ever come to a conclusion? I love you. I do. I’m crying as I’m writing this: I care. 

I don’t think we will make it in a relationship but I wish we could stay as friends. I know you would never be okay with that idea but I would love it. You are my light right now  but also my darkness. I feel you creeping over as sunshine some days but some other days you are the smoke of a fire smoldering over a city and relaying imminent doom. I love you, darkness. My innocent darkness. I wish you could see me from where I’m standing. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve fucked up plenty of times, but you have as well. Some things are very uncomfortable for me and I don’t think you get what that means. 

UN

COMFORT

ABLE. 

I’m comfy sometimes and that scares me. Why only sometimes? Why am I afraid right now? Why can’t stop believing you are going to leave me? Because you are?

Because I am?

I don’t know anymore. 

All I know is that I’m hurting, and it is a great deal of us. I hate this but I don’t want to lose you. I never want to lose you.

How do I hurt less and still love you?

Nov 13
How do people do this forever?

I think…
I don’t know but I think I forgot who I am. I say love but do I really mean it? I say yes but do I really mean it? I think about saying I love you and always feel reluctant to say it to anyone. Is it me? Absolutely. But the challenge is why. Why do I feel that way, what is the problem, where are my feelings, where is my heart? I’ve got a lot of questions and it seems as though every time I find a answer to one I get 8 more questions that make even less sense. Where am I. Who am I. Maybe ill never know. Maybe life is just finding the you you are comfortable with at the time until you want to change yourself into whoever, whatever. That’s easy for some people. A lot of people don’t need to think about switching it up because its natural for them. Others have to sacrifice the person they’ve so diligently made and then it feels pointless to change. They feel weak. Pressured. Whatever though. That’s life and there’s really nothing you can do to change yourself the way you want to. You are the result of your environment, physically and emotionally, and both of those change constantly. Overwhelming? Yes. Absolutely. But not impossible. I wish I knew if there was something possible that didn’t seem so impossible. Everything seems that way once you think about it too much. Over thinking is the number one man killer. Suicide maker. Child taker. Unless you are prepared with an open mind to calculate and analyze yourself on that kind of level, you won’t be able to handle it.

What am I talking about. What is this. I’m sorry. My mind is the biggest kind of mess right now and these are the existential things I think about. I need to be institutionalized or something. Maybe then things will make sense. Maybe I won’t feel so trapped yet so lost in the open as I do. I wish I made sense. I wish I could love right. I wish I could stay.

I wish a lot of things.

Oct 19

I have never been so conflicted until I’ve reached this very moment in my life. Nothing has prepared me for this kind of pain.

For the past hour and a half I have been sitting on my living room couch, clenching my chest and silently screaming in pain as hot and heavy tears stream down my face. I can’t seem to stop. I can’t seem to feel one thing at a time. It’s all hitting me at once and I can’t breathe. It hurts so much. Why isn’t this over. Why is it so painful. Why can’t I breathe at the thought of you why. Why does this hurt so much why. Why. Why.

I love him and I let him go, because that’s the right thing to do.
I love him and I let him go, because that’s the right thing to do.

I love him and I let him go, because that’s the right thing to do.

I love him and I let him go, because that’s the right thing to do.

I love him and I let him go, because that’s the right thing to do.

I love him and I let him go, because that’s the right thing to do.

I love him and I let him go, because that’s the right thing to do.

I love him and I let him go, because that’s the right thing to do.

I love him and I let him go, because that’s the right thing to do.

I love him and I let him go, because that’s the right thing to do.

I love him and I let him go, because that’s the right thing to do.

I love him and I let him go, because that’s the right thing to do.

I love him and I let him go, because that’s the right thing to do.

I love him and I let him go, because that’s the right thing to do.

I love him and I let him go, because that’s the right thing to do.

I love him and I let him go, because that’s the right thing to do.

I love him and I let him go, because that’s the right thing to do.

I love him and I let him go, because that’s the right thing to do.

I love him and I let him go, because that’s the right thing to do.

I love him and I let him go, because that’s the right thing to do.

I love him and I let him go, because that’s the right thing to do.

I love him and I let him go, because that’s the right thing to do.

I love him and I let him go, because that’s the right thing to do.

I love him and I let him go, because that’s the right thing to do.

I love him and I let him go, because that’s the right thing to do.

I love him and I let him go, because that’s the right thing to do.

I love him and I let him go, because that’s the right thing to do.

I love him and I let him go, because that’s the right thing to do.

I love him and I let him go, because that’s the right thing to do.

I love him and I let him go, because that’s the right thing to do.

I love him and I let him go, because that’s the right thing to do.

I love him and I let him go, because that’s the right thing to do.

I love him and I let him go, because that’s the right thing to do.

I love him and I let him go, because that’s the right thing to do.

I love him and I let him go, because that’s the right thing to do.

I love him and I let him go, because that’s the right thing to do.

I love him and I let him go, because that’s the right thing to do.

I love him and I let him go, because that’s the right thing to do.

I keep telling myself. I need to believe it soon or else I will never be able to live again. 

Oct 11

Utter, silent chaos. 

"Don’t call me that!" She screamed as he whispered sweet nothings and babe, wake up baby, in my ear. The noise was so loud I thrashed about for a moment startling us both. He did not wake me up. She did. She threw something at the back of my eyes. Her anger almost spilling through the veins in my eyes. I wouldn’t be surprised if even for just a moment he felt that heat. He felt the burning threshold of her stare through mine. I was scared that I would hurt him physically or emotionally. She didn’t get out but she was there. Oh, she was there. 

I hate myself. I hate this. I hate this battle I constantly fight. I am battling different sides of myself and it is hard to win and lose over and over again. Shit. Everything is falling to shit. I feel like shit, my focus is shit, and frankly my stability can also be classified as shit. 

You know what? He never loved me. He never did, and he never will. He can say it till he is blue in the face and I will now deny it all. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me.

~

How will you love me now?

How can you still love me? I’ve been the worst. I’ve been nothing but heartache and frustration, so why are you still with me? I don’t understand why you need me so much. I need you more than I need myself and I don’t know how to make you see that. I don’t know what you need from me to see that I always will care for you. Sometimes, not as much, but I feel like holding on is for the best. I wish I didn’t feel like a lesson, in fact, I feel like this whole thing is a lesson and that sucks so much because I like you a lot and you don’t deserve the trouble I cause. You don’t deserve a confused, chaotic mess. You deserve someone beautiful and someone kind. You deserve the moon and the stars and the love that you give so freely. I wish I could follow your footsteps but it just so happens I’ve romanticized the fuck out of something and I’m stuck in the idea that dreams can come true. Even if those dreams are far off and pretty much don’t exist anymore, I still feel them. I’ll cry myself dead if I may. I shall. I probably shall. Who knows how long I’m willing to torture myself before I commit something I can’t come back from. 

Sep 23
Utter confusion.

I’m more than empty now. 

I’m angry, but not necessarily. It’s really the only way I can describe this heat in the pit of my stomach that occasionally rises to the beginning of my throat. I gag on the lava threatening to explode out of my mouth in words or vomit. 

It’s so weird. 

Because I have nothing to be angry about. I just have this hot pulsing energy within me that is ruining everything. I feel like it’s completely unnecessary and I’m lashing out at the ones I supposedly love. 

Which, if I think about it, isn’t really a new feeling. 

I’ve had this before. I’ve felt this lack of caring and need to lash out before. I feel like I don’t know him at all and yet, he knows me. It’s so confusing. I know him. I do. We’ve spent a lot of time together and stuff and I’ve learned a lot about him. Why do I feel this way? 

I can’t even hear anybody screaming. It’s pretty quiet up there. I feel like everyone is confused or something. Nobody’s on the same page but it’s okay. I don’t know. It’s making me more anxious. 

I wonder how things will work out. I wonder if things will be okay.

Sep 7
Well,

"I’ll still love you even when you’re empty."

That’s what he said.

I hope that’s what he meant. 

Sep 5

I have to remember that he doesn’t love me. He never loved me. There’s a  difference between wanting to love and wanting to fuck somebody. He never needed me, he only wanted one thing. But, why doesn’t it seem that way to me? Why can’t I change the way I see it? Why is it so hard to do…

He never loved me.

He never loved me.

He never loved me.

He never loved me.

He never loved me.

He never loved me.

He never loved me.

He never loved me.

He never loved me.

He never loved me.

He never loved me.

He never loved me.

He never loved me.

He never loved me.

He never loved me.

He never loved me.

He never loved me.

He never loved me.

He never loved me.

Or that’s just what I keep telling myself..

Aug 15

He has everything I need but he has the one thing I want. 

Do I go for what I want or what I need?

What is greater: wanting or needing?

Health or happiness?

Love or love.

This is not easy. I never wanted this. I don’t know what to do. 

Jul 30

You have no choice.

Who you love.

Who loves you. 

Jul 30